'Twas that night before Yule, when all 'cross the heath,
Not a being was stirring; Pagan, Faerie, nor Beast,
Wassail was left out and the altar adorned,
To rejoice that the Sun King would soon be reborn.
The children lay sleeping by the warmth of the hearth,
Their dreams filled with visions of beloved Mother Earth,
M'lady and I beneath blankets piled deep, had just settled
down to our Solstice sleep.
Then a noise in the night that would leave us no peace,
Awakened us both to the honking of geese.
Eager to see such a boisterous flock,
When we raced to the window, our mouths dropped in shock!
On the West Wind flew a gaggle of geese, white and gray,
With Frau Holda behind them in Her gift-laiden dray.
The figure on Her broomstick to the North sky made it clear,
La Befana was approaching to bestow Yuletide cheer.
From the South came a comet more bright than the Moon,
And we knew Lucia would be with us soon.
As these Spirits sailed Earthward o'er hilltops and trees,
Frau Holda serenaded Her feathery steeds:
"Fly Isolde! Fly Tristan! Fly Odin and Freya! Fly Morgaine!
Fly Merlin! Fly Uranus and Gaea!
May the God and Goddess inside you soar,
From the clouds in the heavens to your cottage door."
As soft and silent as snowflakes they fell;
Their arrival announced by a faint chiming bell.
They landed like angels, their bodies aglow,
Their feet left no marks in the new fallen snow,
Before we could ponder what next lay in store,
There came a slow creeking from our threshold door.
We crept from our bedroom and were spellbound to see...
There in our parlor stood the Yule Trinity!
Lucia the Maiden, with Her head wreathed in flame,
Shown with the radiance for which she She was named,
The Lightbringers eyes held the joy of a child,
And she spoke with a voice that was gentle, yet wild:
"May the warmth of this household ne'er fade away."
Then she lit our Yule log which still burns to this day.
Frau Holda in Her down cloak stood regal and tall,
The Matron of Solstice, the Mother of all,
Under Her gaze we felt safe and secure.
Her voice was commanding, yet almost demure:
"May the love in this family enrich young and old."
And from the folds of Her cloak showered coins of pure gold,
LaBefana wore a kerchief on Her silvery hair;
The veil of the Crone who has secrets to share,
In Her eyes gleamed a wisdom only gained by spent youth.
Her voice was whisper, but Her words rung the truth:
"May health, glad tidings, and peace fill these rooms."
And she banished misfortune with a sweep of Her broom,
They then left a gift by each sleeping childs head,
Took a drink of our wassail, and away they all sped.
While we watched them fly off through the night sky we laughed,
At the wonderous magick we had found in the Craft.
As they departed, the Spirits decreed...

"Merry Yule To You All, And May All Blessed Be!"

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap..

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory..

11.. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments..

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14.. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21.. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this! This is too funny.



8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

Dear, Dear managerial staff of the pharmaceutical in-store suppliers…
Now 1st off I am all for hiring the special needs, functionally illiterate and crabby assed postmenopausal rags…all for it…keep it up…BUT not for the pharmacy! Bad enough you can’t pronounce my name much less any of the drugs I take…but that 45 minute wait turned into 2 f-ing hours…I can only look at your drastically cheap assed and usually unattractive merchandise so long before I go to the sportsman department…urchase a long rifle and start taking people down! Yeah I have no insurance but you’all should like me! There’s no pesky paper work for you…no middle man…I’m paying 100% of the money owed to you IN CASH!!! You give me the amount…after nearly feinting I fork over the cash…that simple! Check it out…you don’t even need to count (and touch) my pills…take ‘em off the shelf…slap a sticker on it put in the bag and HAND IT TO ME!!!
5 times we stood in that WAY TOO F-ING LONG line with people just as unhappy as me yet more than likely sharing their illness with all of us and were told it’s almost done…were ya’ squeezing every pill out of a newborn babe? Making them out of endanger species flesh?!? NO! You had your obviously challenged woman (I’m guessing she was a she here) struggling with the label machine while your pharmacist I’m guessing there too…chatted it up with the post menopausal blob of happiness you had running the cash register…Now I’m not prone to being loudly verbal no matter how incredibly pissed I am…but my mutterings were getting louder…
Had I an ice-pick handy (I didn’t browse that isle) I would have surely driven it into left eye socket…hammered it home….slide it to the left…slide it to the right…give it a swirl for good measure…surely lobotomizing myself so watching you people working SO INCREDIBLY SLOW wouldn’t bother my so much!
Well that being said and the fact that you actually ran out of one of my needed drugs (who knew there were so many epileptics in Buffalo) I will see you again today…but you will NEVER see my pleasantly plump ass standing in your line to hell ever again! Target Pharmacy…Don’t fail me…for if you do…off to CUB…Walgreen’s…Coburn’s…fill in the blank baby. I may be poor, unhealthy and pasty white…but I don’t take slow motion inept incompetent treated-like-shit well!

Yours with ever lovin’ giggle-ee-tude…
A VERY UNSATISFIED CUSTOMER YOU HAVE LOST PERMANENTLY!

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'retend' bills with not enough money.

In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.

Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn themselves with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, and keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.

During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings, but never once complain or slow down from their duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7:00 am.

A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: Each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name - also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor - each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids can vote them off the island each week based on performance.

The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 10-20 years eventually earning the right ....... To be called ....... M o t h e r !

After you get done laughing, send this to as many females as you think will get a kick out of it and as many men as you think can handle it. Just don't send it back to me..... I'm going to bed!